How Can I Stay Calm During My Child’s Tantrum?

Tantrums are common! Tantrums are typical! Tantrums happen! When we think of raising or teaching a child as well as how to stay calm during a child’s tantrum, we often think of tantrums as a common occurrence in the younger years, but tantrums tend to occur outside of the toddler years as well.  Typically, tantrums decrease in frequency (how often they occur) and duration (how long they occur for) over time.

Sometimes, children who are still learning to communicate tend to tantrum more as they sometimes are not able to express their needs and desires.

When a child tantrums or has a “meltdown” as some people say, it is very important to remain calm. Parents and caregivers often ask us, “How can I stay calm when my child is tantrumming?” or “How can I stay calm when my child is misbehaving?”

To determine how to stay calm, we should first examine why we feel stressed or upset when a child has a tantrum.  Some things parents, therapists, and caregivers might think when a child tantrums that make them feel stressed include:

Some things parents, therapists, and caregivers might think when a child tantrums that make them feel stressed include:

• I must be a bad parent/caregiver. 
• I feel out of control.
• I feel stressed already, and this is only making it worse!
  
• This behavior is triggering me to remember my own trauma.  
• This big tantrum or reaction is making me feel anxious.
  
• Other people must be judging me if I can’t make my child stop.  
  
• I am worried this tantrum means my relationship with my child is bad or strained.
  
• I feel my child should know better.
  
• My child is being disrespectful on purpose.
  
• I feel my child must not love or care about me if they do this.
  

• A tantrum does not mean you are a bad parent or caregiver, but rather it means that the child is having a hard time.
• A tantrum does not mean you are out of control, but rather means your child needs help and teaching to regulate their own emotions.
  
• A tantrum may add to your stress, but you can do your best to work on your child’s stress/tantrum first, and then work on your own stress after you have helped your child.
  
• A tantrum may trigger your own trauma, and for this it is recommended to see a counselor or talk to a professional.
  
• A tantrum may make you feel anxious because it is loud, you can’t make it stop, you’re worried about your relationship with your child, or because you are worried about what others think. It’s helpful to recognize why you feel anxious and to work with that feeling and address it either through telling yourself a new story about it, or talking to a professional.
  
• A tantrum may make you feel worried about what others may think, and it can help to focus exclusively on the child and blocking out thoughts about what others think. Alternatively, it may help to recognize that others are more likely to be feeling empathy than to feel judgement about a tantrumming child.
  
• A tantrum can make you feel like your child doesn’t like you or that your relationship is broken, but it’s important to remember that most children tantrum, most children need help with learning self-regulation, and our job as parents and caregivers is to help them to manage their emotions. Re-building rapport with your child can be done even if the tantrum was very intense.
  
• A tantrum makes many parents and caregivers think that their child should know better, especially after talking to the child or teaching about self-regulation. It’s so important to remember that self-regulation and emotional management is a process, and that typically children don’t learn self-regulation immediately. It’s common for self-soothing and self-calming to take a while to master. This is similar to a child learning to walk – we don’t expect them to learn to walk immediately because we showed them one time. We give them many opportunities to practice, and they will fall along the way. Teaching self-regulation is similar in that it requires practice and there will be some times along the way where they need extra help.
  
• A tantrum may make you feel like your child is being disrespectful on purpose, but it’s important to recognize that it’s not personal and a tantrum is often about your child’s feelings, not yours.
  
• A tantrum may even make parents and caregivers feel like the child doesn’t love them or like them, and that is not the case. A tantrum serves a “function” as we call it in Applied Behavior Analysis. The tantrum usually is done to obtain what the child wants like a sensation, attention, an item, or escape.
  

Tips for Staying Calm During a Child’s Misbehavior:

• Think about why you don’t feel calm.
• Address your own feelings.
  
• Remind yourself that tantrums are a part of a child’s learning and development.
  
• Keep calm as a model for your child to see.
  
• Create a plan for addressing tantrums that addresses the “why” or the “function” of the behavior.
• Get help figuring out the “why” of the tantrum and creating a specialized plan for your child from a qualified ABA team like Acuity Behavior Solutions!

Tantrums can be managed. Applied Behavior Analysis services are designed to reduce problem behaviors and to increase more appropriate behaviors. That is what we do!

Some children may need step by step guidance or individualized plans for reducing problem behaviors as a part of an ABA program. Our team of experienced ABA therapists is able to create an individualized plan for each child we work with. Acuity Behavior Solutions staff can also review additional ways you can help to ensure your child makes improvements through ABA therapy. If you have any questions about starting ABA, please feel free to give us a call at (714) 696-2862.